Hey there Reader
Something my mum did throughout her life, was she used to pay her bills immediately, not when they were due, but as soon as they came in, and it was like she could not wait to get them paid, out of the way, and no longer sitting there for her to think about.
I used to ask her, why don’t you just pay them when they are due, and she would say it was because then she knew they were paid, they were done, and she did not have to worry about them, which of course on one level makes perfect sense, because many of us do this in different areas of our life, where we want something sorted, finished, answered, paid, dealt with, or out of the way, because then we can stop thinking about it.
But this is often our surface intellectualization, logic, and reasoning, and when you delve a bit deeper, you start uncovering truths that people often do not want to admit, let alone own, where there are deeper patterns, fears, experiences, beliefs, and decisions operating underneath what looks like a very practical, sensible, responsible, or even admirable way of doing things.
Because with Mum, when we delved deeper, there was a time in her life when her home, car, and furniture were taken from her, not because of what she had done, but because after separating from my father, all of those assets were in his name, and he skipped the country leaving debts behind, which meant someone else’s choices, actions, and irresponsibility had a devastating impact on her life.
So of course, when you look at that, it makes sense that she never wanted to be in a position again where anyone could have that kind of impact on her life, where she owed money, was beholden to someone, could be judged as unreliable, or could be seen as someone who had not done the right thing.
And this is where it becomes interesting, because paying the bills immediately was not just about paying the bills, it was also a pattern that came from an experience in her life, and it was a way of keeping herself safe, being responsible, being seen as good and reliable, and making sure no one could hold anything over her.
Yet years later, that very pattern also contributed to her being scammed, because she paid for goods well before they were required, and the goods never arrived.
Alan and I also talked about how, when she paid so early, the people she paid got the interest on her money, not her, and then recently a friend experienced something similar, where she paid quickly, only to later discover the person had not done all the hours they said they had done and had overcharged her, and this is where it becomes even more interesting, because getting money back is often much harder than paying it in the first place.
I was also listening to a friend talk about a situation with his neighbor, and he said his neighbor needed to understand how he was impacting them.
And I asked, why?
He said, because he does.
And I gently said, no he doesn’t.
What the impacts are on you are not actually any of his concern, unless he chooses for them to be, and this is one of the places we can get caught, because we can think someone else needs to understand, care, respond, validate, acknowledge, agree, apologize, or see the impact before we are allowed to make a decision about what is right for us.
My friend got it, but he did not love getting it, because most of us do not love seeing where we have handed someone else the power to decide what we do next.
And this is what I am seeing in so many subtle, yet powerful ways at the moment, where there are patterns running through our systems and lives that influence how we live, choose, give, pay, work, relate, stay silent, carry responsibility, and make decisions, and often these patterns are not random, because they come from what we have experienced, what we have had to survive, what we learned was safe, what we never wanted to feel again, and what we decided we needed to become so we would not be placed in that position again.
Without realizing it, we can begin honoring the pattern more than we honor ourselves, where we make other people’s judgment, comfort, opinion, approval, response, understanding, agreement, or what they may think of us higher, more important, and worthier than what we know is true for us.
And in doing that, we do not fully honor ourselves, our decisions, what we want, what is important to us, what we know, what we see, what we need, what we are no longer available for, or what is no longer okay, because we have left the influence over our lives in the hands of whether someone else understands, agrees, cares, approves, validates us, sees the impact, takes responsibility, or thinks we are good, fair, kind, reliable, reasonable, spiritual, professional, or easy enough to deal with.
Then we wonder why we feel so angry, resentful, tired, stuck, or powerless, because something in us knows we are waiting for someone else to do, say, see, own, admit, or understand something before we give ourselves permission to take the step that is already ours to take.
And I do not just mean the obvious ways we do this, like making someone a guru, or putting a teacher, coach, healer, boss, parent, partner, expert, or someone with more success, confidence, money, visibility, qualifications, or followers above us, and believing they must know more than we do, or that they are somehow better than us.
I am talking about the more subtle ways this pattern weaves itself through our life, where it can look like being good, responsible, reliable, kind, fair, professional, understanding, easy to deal with, or simply doing the right thing, when underneath that, there may be a very old part of us trying to not be judged, not be questioned, not be rejected, not be seen as difficult, not be seen as unreliable, not be seen as ungrateful, and not have someone else hold something over us.
We can see this in our jobs, where we do the extra work, put in the extra time, answer the extra questions, take on more than has actually been agreed to, and do what is asked of us, not because it is necessarily right, but because somewhere inside of us we want to be seen as valuable, reliable, good, capable, professional, and worth choosing.
And yes, sometimes it is about being professional, and there is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it is the old pattern of trying to prove our value, where another person, workplace, opportunity, client, role, or relationship has been placed in a position where their recognition, approval, decision, or response becomes more important than what we know is true within ourselves.
We can see it in our relationships, where we hold both sides of the bridge, where we are the one who asks how the person is, contacts them, remembers what is important to them, follows up on what is happening for them, cares about them, and shares that care with them, but then when we look at the facts, we have to ask whether that is actually reciprocated.
Do they ask how you are, remember what is important to you, follow up on what is happening in your life, consider you, and hold their side of the bridge, or are you the one who keeps the connection alive while making excuses for why they do not?
They are busy, they are going through a lot, they are not good with messages, they are just different, they do care, they just do not show it, and yes, all of that may be true, but there can also be a point where the facts are showing you something you have not wanted to fully see.
We can see it where we feel unfairly treated by someone, but we do not speak up and say something, where we pay the bill we know is wrong, because they did not work the number of hours they stated, or they did not provide the service we deserved, and we pay it anyway, not because it is clean, not because it feels right, but because we do not want to feel beholden to anyone, we do not want someone to think we are not a good person, we do not want to be seen as unreliable, and we do not want to be the person who does not pay, questions things, makes a fuss, or causes trouble.
So we pay it, and then we feel angry, and often the anger is not just about the money, it is about the fact that something in us knew it was not okay, and we still did not stand with ourselves.
We can see it at home, where we hold responsibility not just for our own responsibilities, and not just for the shared responsibilities, but our partner’s responsibilities, our children’s responsibilities, the animals, the house, the remembering, the organizing, the noticing, the following up, and all the things that somehow become ours without ever being verbally agreed to.
They are just assumed, and because we have done them for so long, everyone keeps assuming we will keep doing them.
In my case, I can see where I am slave to my cats at times, and I love them, I care for them, they matter deeply to me, and I am also seeing there are times where I have to tell the truth and say, this is too much, and I am the one who has created some of this by taking on so much responsibility and not always questioning what is actually mine to carry.
And then we get angry about these situations, not because anger is wrong, but because that calling inside of us is saying, this is not okay, you are of value, you are worthy, you are not here to fulfill and carry everyone else’s responsibilities, and you deserve reciprocity, consideration, respect, and to have your side of the bridge held too.
But then why do we not take the steps to speak up, address it, and change these patterns?
Because that is what they are.
Patterns.
Patterns of interaction, decision making, silencing, accepting, tolerating, over-understanding, over-responsibility, and making things okay that are not really okay.
So why do we not take the steps?
Sometimes it is because we do not know what the steps are, we do not know how to begin, we do not know what to say, or we do not know how to say it in a way that will be heard, and there can also be an old pattern operating that says, no one listens to me anyway.
There can be a fear of being seen as selfish, difficult, ungrateful, demanding, not spiritual enough, not kind enough, not understanding enough, or too much, as well as guilt for asking for what should have already been considered, and the hope that the other person will notice without us having to say anything, because surely they can see it, surely they know, surely they care enough to recognize what is happening.
And then there is the part where we have made their comfort more important than our truth.
We do not want to admit what the facts are already showing us, because if we admit it, we may have to stop explaining it away, and if we stop explaining it away, we may have to do something differently.
We may have to say no, question the bill, ask for the contract, stop being the one who always reaches out, let someone else hold their side of the bridge and see if they actually do, tell the truth that something is not reciprocal, or admit that what we hoped was true is not what the facts are showing us.
And that can feel terrifying, because so much of who we have known ourselves to be can be tied up in being useful, reliable, understanding, responsible, good, easy enough, available enough, and valuable enough for other people to keep choosing us.
But I know there comes a point where the cost of not speaking, not acting, not choosing, and not standing with yourself becomes greater than the fear of what may happen if you do.
Maybe that is where some of us are now, where the old ways of making others worthier than us just do not work anymore, not because we suddenly do not care, or that we want to shut people out, but because something in us knows this is not okay anymore.
And maybe this is one of the places where the soul and human journey becomes very real, because your soul may know your value, what is true, what is no longer okay, and even what the next step is, but your human self may still be operating from the old pattern that says, keep the peace, do not upset them, do not question it, do not risk losing it, do not make it hard, do not be too much, and do not put yourself in a position where someone can say you are not good, kind, reliable, or worthy.
This is the divide.
The divide between what your soul knows and what your human self has learned to tolerate.
The divide between your truth and the patterns that have kept you safe.
The divide between knowing you are of value and still living as though someone else’s comfort, response, approval, judgment, understanding, or consideration is more important than your own.
So maybe the questions for you this week are these:
🖤 Where are you making someone else’s judgment, comfort, approval, response, understanding, or opinion higher, more important, or worthier than what is true for you?
🖤 Where are you waiting for someone else to understand, care, agree, validate, or acknowledge the impact before you give yourself permission to take the step that is already yours to take?
🖤 Where are you holding both sides of the bridge?
🖤 Where are you accepting, tolerating, or making okay what is not actually okay?
🖤 Where are you carrying responsibility that was never clearly yours to carry?
🖤 Where are you staying silent because you do not want to be seen as difficult, unreliable, selfish, ungrateful, or too much?
🖤 Where is your anger showing you that something needs to change?
This is part of the work I do.
I walk beside people as they begin to see the patterns that have been shaping how they give, work, relate, choose, stay silent, carry responsibility, and place their value in the hands of others.
Because sometimes the next step is not about becoming more aware.
It is about finally admitting where the pattern is no longer okay, and beginning to take the steps to do things differently.
If you would like to explore this more deeply for yourself, you can reply to this email, as I have truth sessions available.
Melinda xxx
have a question
If you have a question about your inner world, whether soul or human, or your relationships and want clarity, reply to this email. If it’s something others may also need to understand, I may include it in future emails.
For Your Clarity
This is for educational and informational purposes only. It’s not tailored to your specific situation and isn’t intended as personal advice. Always trust your own discernment and reach out for individual support when you need it.
Copyright © 2025 Globally Make a Difference Ltd, All rights reserved.
I Make a Difference | U Make a Difference
