Hey there Reader,
Ok, I have a random question for you.
Are there people in your life you are living part of your life for, without being fully conscious of it?
I knew I gave my mom a lot of focus, thought, time and energy because I wanted to, and because I loved her.
What I didn’t realize until the process I am going through now is that since I was ten years old, I have been living part of my life for Mom, and it feels really weird, which for me means unfamiliar, acknowledging that.
She has always been there in my processing and decision making.
Considering how she was, what made her happy, and what I could do to make her life easier, fuller and better.
I was really clear my mom deserved way more than what she had experienced, and I wanted to provide some of that for her so she got to experience it.
When I moved to Australia for ten years, I would regularly send her flowers because it was my way of saying, I’m thinking of you, I love you, and you deserve this.
She then moved to Australia for a few years, and came and worked with me.
My first action was to buy another company car so she had one to drive and had her independence.
You have to laugh, the first day she backed it into a power pole.
We would go on some magical trips and stay at some really lovely places, because I wanted her to experience that.
I knew what it was like to feel unloved and to miss out, and I grew up seeing my mother missing out on the love and care she so deserved, and I wanted her to have that.
In many ways, I gave her what I had always wanted someone to give me.
When I bought my property, I had her in mind.
My thinking, or now I reflect on it, my knowing knew that if anything happened to Mom, she had somewhere to come and live.
I didn’t know if she would ever need it or not, but a part of me did know at the time, because that is exactly what happened.
Yes, I rescued Mom, and I even did it consciously.
And I was ok with that, because for me, it was right.
When she moved here, Alan and I did everything we could for her and included her in as many things as possible.
But it was a joy doing that because I was really proud of my mom and loved who she was, most of the time.
We had our moments, and that is the truth.
And everyone loved my mom.
And then there was the week she was unresponsive in the hospital.
I knew Mom knew I would take care of everything, with Alan’s support.
She knew she could always rely on me.
All I really thought about that week was what Mom would want, what was important to her, how I could care for her to the best of my ability, ensure everyone else did too, respond to her needs so she was as comfortable as possible, and make sure her wishes were honored and materialized.
I was the one keeping everyone informed, and supporting her friends through their grief and what they were processing.
I was also addressing the things she had not spoken up about while she was alive, that I knew she wanted spoken before she left this earth.
I was still carrying the responsibility for Mom.
Since she has passed, some of the things I carried have obviously stopped.
But it has gone deeper than that.
I realized how much we do, in so many obvious and subtle ways, where we carry responsibility for others in who they are, how they feel, emotionally and physically.
And I have done years of work in this area, not rescuing people, supporting them to take responsibility, and not doing it for them, and I was conscious I was still doing it with Mom, which I accepted.
But being free of that?
I am seeing where I am still doing it for others too.
I am seeing, at a clearer and more subtle level, how much of my consciousness is going out into considering, protecting, supporting, rescuing, including, explaining, planning ahead, making life easier, making life fuller, making things better for others.
It wasn’t just for Mom. It was in so many areas.
● How I explained more than I needed to.
● Responded with more than what was being shared back.
● Where I was making things ok for others.
● Where I was accepting others’ lack of clarity.
● The way they spoke to me.
● The way they turned conversations.
● The lack of consideration they had for me.
● The projection, the reactions, and so much more.
Amazing, after decades of working with this, that I discover echoes of it.
I am also speaking more truth now when I am not ok. And I am doing that for me.
Which I'd learned to truly only share with Mom and Alan, because no one else seemed to give a rat’s, or it got complicated in ways it didn’t need to.
And I am accepting that I know that.
But this is another layer of releasing what I have been accepting that is not right for me.
Giving myself permission to not accept it.
This doesn’t mean I say anything to the people.
This is my process, not them.
It is me going to an even deeper and more refined level than I have ever gone before.
No longer accepting me continuing to accept what is not right for me.
And a part of me has had enough.
Enough of the lack of truth.
Enough of avoiding the facts.
Because it is so much less complicated when you deal with what is actually there.
It is about owning a deeper level of truth inside myself about what I have been carrying, what I have been allowing, and what I no longer have capacity to keep holding.
And I will no longer put that part of me to the side for anyone.
This in no way means others are wrong, because this is about me, not them.
What is interesting is that on the human and soul journey, I generally know what the shifts I move through allow to surface, or what replaces them.
This time, I can feel it, but I don’t know.
I don’t know if there is anything that replaces it.
And I don’t yet know how people will connect with me as this continues to change, because it changes the way I relate with others.
But one thing I do know is I will no longer carry things for others.
I loved my Mom so deeply.
And I loved carrying the responsibilities I did for her.
They were right for me.
I was a daughter sharing her love with her Mom.
But I'm feeling me more clearly now.
And I know there has been another level of unraveling.
It feels a bit impatient at the moment, but I know that will pass, because there is residue impatience surfacing after years of being patient.
And I know it needs to swing for a while as I experience the different ends of the spectrum, from patient to impatient, before my system finds its place again, where my human and soul meet in the truth of what is right for me.
Maybe this is something for you to sit with too.
🖤 Who are you still carrying?
🖤 Where is your consciousness going out to others before it comes back to you?
🖤 What have you been accepting that is no longer right for you?
🖤 And what would change if you allowed yourself to stop carrying what was never truly yours?
🖤 And what would change if you got even more deeply truthful with yourself about what you are being patient about, when underneath, you are not?
Melinda 🖤
have a question?
If you have a question about your inner world, whether soul or human, or your relationships and want clarity, reply to this email. If it’s something others may also need to understand, I may include it in future emails.
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