Hey there Reader
For those who have recently joined our walk together, it is always magic to be able to do that with you. And for those I have had the honor of walking with for some time now, thank you.
Your willingness to look at you, to heal, unravel, reclaim, grow and mature is what allows me to share in your journey and you in mine, and I would love to hear more about yours.
Recently I shared a process I went through over a couple of months, where I woke up to how much of my life I had been waiting to be chosen.
I moved through not being chosen — and I look back now and smile at that again — to then being chosen, to choosing myself, and finally making a choice about what was actually true for me.
Something that, on the surface, you could look at and go, yes, and so what?
But when it is an ingrained pattern, buried in a lack of self-worth and wanting to be valued — yes, often for what I do rather than simply who I am — amongst all of the other patterns that can sit around those areas, it is significant.
And then comes the next part of the process.
Once we have unraveled a pattern, what do we do with situations that still look very similar to the ones we were in when we were living from that pattern?
Using my own example, I found myself stopping and asking:
🖤 Can I still want this?
🖤 Am I still needy?
🖤 How do I want this without needing to be chosen?
🖤 How do I discern the difference?
Omg, the courtroom justifications, questioning and exploration we can put ourselves through at times.
Because this is where things can get interesting.
We may have moved from a lack of self-worth to valuing ourselves and owning more of our worth. But if we are not clear about what has actually changed, we can end up rejecting things we genuinely deserve, to be chosen, valued, wanted, respected and reciprocated, because we are frightened that wanting them means we are needy again.
So where is the difference?
The situation on the outside can look almost exactly the same as it did when we were living from the old pattern, but the place we are operating from within can be completely different.
There may still be echoes of the old pattern.
Thoughts may come up. Some familiar energy may surface and circulate in you.
You may even find yourself questioning whether you are back there again.
But if you look closely, what is happening within you is different. The anticipation, hoping, needing and desperation are no longer driving you.
Your life, and your value as a being, are no longer dependent on the outcome.
And the relief you feel when you recognize that you are no longer adapting yourself to be chosen.
You are not over-giving, over-explaining, reaching, chasing, proving or fixing in order to control and secure the outcome.
That does not mean you stop wanting.
🖤 You can want to be chosen for the job.
🖤 You can want to be chosen as the friend or partner.
🖤 You can want to feel chosen as a parent or grandparent.
🖤 You can want someone to value what you do and who you are.
The difference is what you make the outcome mean.
If it doesn't happen, what happens within you?
Does it rock you to your core, leaving you feeling like a failure, unwanted, not good enough, questioning yourself and who you are?
Or do you stay with yourself?
Can you remain connected to your own value and worth, see the facts and truth of what has happened, without turning the outcome into evidence about who you are?
So yes, you can still want what you wanted when you needed to be chosen.
And more importantly, you deserve the experience of being chosen.
But there is a significant difference between trying to prove, or over-prove, your value so someone will choose you, and being chosen because your value is simply being recognized.
Because you already value you.
Perhaps the process is not about becoming someone who no longer wants to be chosen.
Perhaps it is about becoming someone who can receive being chosen without needing it to tell them who they are, and remain with themselves when they are not.
Because your worth was never meant to ebb and flow according to an outcome.
A few questions for you to sit with:
🖤 Where in your life do you still want to be chosen, valued, wanted or recognized?
🖤 When that does not happen, what do you make it mean about you?
🖤 Do you notice yourself adapting, over-giving, over-explaining, reaching, chasing or proving in order to be chosen?
🖤 What changes when you separate what happened from what you believe it says about who you are?
🖤 Can you allow yourself to want recognition, reciprocity and being chosen without making the outcome responsible for your worth?
🖤 What would it feel like to receive being chosen simply because you are valued, rather than because you have worked so hard to prove your value?
And the most important question:
Can you value you, whether they choose you or not?
Melinda xxx
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For Your Clarity
This is for educational and informational purposes only. It’s not tailored to your specific situation and isn’t intended as personal advice. Always trust your own discernment and reach out for individual support when you need it.
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